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“Well trained”

I was in a local restaurant the other day presenting an ad proof and collecting for the ad. I like being a team player and “bringing home the bacon” when needed.

As the owner of the restaurant opened the check book, a lack of checks was noted. I open my checkbook and noticed I had some checks left, which meant I must have some funds left in the checking account, right? As any well trained, experienced good husband might do, I offered my check book for their use.

The round of laughter and giggles that followed ensured the owner understood, I was only kidding.

 However, I did not want to test my observations by making their purchase with my checks. (Although I am quite proud of using my John Wayne checks).

You see, many husbands go through a training period in which checking accounts with their name on them become community property after a certain period of time. (The community being a wife, who also provides the training by reinforcing positive behavior-Psy 102). She somehow convinces the male of the species that providing access to the checking account is of paramount importance, especially at this time of year.

Numerous rhetorical questions are posed by the female in hopes of making the male aware of such potential disaster areas he needs to avoid. He often respectfully declines the statement of importance, offering up the reasoning that some woodworking skills at creating toys are all that’s needed. The seasoned wife will convince the inexperienced husband that any funding that is available must be shared or tragic results could occur as she exits from the room. She firmly believes he needs some time alone to ponder his refusal to produce a check.

Now, husbands tend to  believe this warning, although what those ‘tragic results’ might be are never really clarified. (Until several weeks later at the dinner table). This ‘warning’ could well be why most men keep their tools in the garage or the tool box in the truck, rather than in the house. Things have been known to be auctioned off (mistakenly or not) in the pursuit of financial gain. As any man will tell you, losing one’s tools is a tragedy. (You may wish to stay away from hot coffee, light-weight table lamps or coming in past 1 a.m. following such conversations too).

The dinner conversation may begin as innocent banter, but one soon finds the depth of the ‘tragic results’ made clear. Empty spaces under the Christmas Tree tend to last in the wife’s memory for several more holiday seasons ( accompanied by tears, guilt and ice cold stares). Those spaces having been assigned specific gifts which were to be purchased with some cash from the aforementioned checking account; were a standing reminder of husband training gone astray. (Note: Wives may wish to avoid efforts at  re-training and go directly for the cash in the wallet following such  failures).

Two reasons appear to be at the root cause of this holiday phenomenon;

1-You just can’t say no to the children.

2-Her checking account is already on “red alert.”

In an undeniably logical argument, sales and the associated timing of purchasing items on sale is also a critical factor in these financial quasi-negotiations; (that most hubby’s are gonna’ lose out to anyway).

So, at this time of year when someone poor misguided comedian of a husband offers up his checkbook, remember to politely decline the offer.  He’s going to need all the financial help he can get to get through the holidays. Besides, without holiday spending, the return line clerks might be out of a job. Then again, if the husband (trained or not) continues offering his check book, he just might be out of a marriage.


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