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Shopping around

How many times have you said to yourself, “If only there was someplace I could buy a pair of jeans for $425. Not just any old jeans, but jeans where they’ve splattered something on them that looks like mud, so I can pretend I’m a field hand on a particularly filthy farm.”

How many times have you said to yourself, “I’m far too busy trying to find expensive, trendy clothes that I’ll only wear once to splatter mud on them myself. I just don’t have the time. And where would I get any mud? Where does it even come from? I’ll Google it on my $1,000 phone.”

Well, wonder no more — there is such a place! No, not the Goodwill store or the Salvation Army shop, silly. You can only get these jeans at Nordstrom! Nordstrom — keeping it real! And once you put them on, you’ll be able to get into the most exclusive clubs in New York and L.A. Sure, your man-bun and ironic plaid shirt will help you get past the doorman, but mud-splattered jeans just scream, “I belong here. I deserve this.”

Normal people may be screaming, too. Specifically, “What’s wrong with you? You can get jeans at most stores for, like, $40!”

“But anyone can buy those $40 jeans,” you think to yourself. “These $425 jeans say something about me.” Yes, they sure do. If only you could hear it.

Me, I can’t afford $425 jeans. If I bought them, they would be one of the most expensive things in my house. I would worry that they might get damaged or stolen. Would my insurance cover them? Of course, now that I think about it, if they got damaged, ripped and torn, it might increase their value. Maybe they’re an investment.

No, they’re not for me; I like a bargain. And today, I’m in luck: I just drove past a store downtown with a big sign in the window that said, “Piercing — now 1/2 price!”

Wow! Who can resist a sale? Sales hit me right where I live. Face it, if they’re selling something for half price, it has to be good. Nothing says quality like “We can’t sell these things for love nor money, so maybe if we slash the price, some idiot will take them off our hands.” And I am that idiot. Finally, I can afford to get both eyebrows pierced and still have money left over for a big honking lip ring.

Who doesn’t look younger when sporting a few pieces of face metal? I think Grandma’s missing a great opportunity to take a few years off by not coming with me. There’s no telling what a few piercings might do to cheer her up. Why, I might as well bring the whole family — the more I spend, the more I’ll save, right? Then again, this would blow my $425 denim budget right out of the water.

But there is another big plus to the piercing sale: I get to shop locally. You can’t get piercings from Amazon. Yet. OK, it’s decided — I’ve got to do this. Finally, I won’t be the only guy in my office without an earring. And at half price, I can get a few in each ear.

But sometimes sales aren’t as good as they sound. It always pays to investigate. I don’t want to get there and find out they’ve slashed the price by cutting corners. Like waiting until they’re about to do the job and saying, “Oh, you wanted pain-killers, clean needles and alcohol swabs? That’ll be extra,” and before you know it, you’re paying full price for everything.

And I’d want to read some reviews from satisfied customers beforehand. Is my nose ring guaranteed not to rust? It’s not a bargain if you have to have it done over again.

Jim Mullen

Jim Mullen

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