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The first snore

The first snore

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Robin Leach Mug

Robin Garrison Leach

The Garden of Eden could not have been Paradise if Adam snored. The first man was perfect at first, so he didn’t. Eve could lie next to him, cover his deficient rib cage with a loving embrace and drift off to sleep in Heavenly Peace.

Then came the fateful day of banishment from the Garden. Adam and Eve collapsed in exhaustion when evening came in their barren wasteland and huddled together for warmth. Eve’s body spooned against her man’s and she felt his weary muscles relax.

She sighed and let her eyes flutter closed…

A tiny, purring sound — a bit like the noise she’d heard from the animal Adam had named “CAT”—slinked into the space left by Adam’s donated rib. It curled up against his lung for warmth and a delicate vibration jittered from his breath.

Eve, unfamiliar with her surroundings and bone-tired, heard the clatter but dismissed it as a yet-to-be-named creature roaming the wilds of this new land.

Adam’s chest rose and fell rhythmically. His lips parted slightly and air rushed into his body on fierce, ragged claws. The wind he had captured in his lungs pelted against his chest, dislodging another purr. A snort puffed from his mouth and splatted against Eve’s ear. It woke her up. She sat upright and looked around.

In those fateful seconds, all Hades broke loose. The blackness of the dismal night gave birth to an enemy more insidious and elusive than any hissing serpent. A sound never before created or heard by human life erupted from Adam’s throat.

He inhaled oxygen, pure and clean, and exhaled a tortuously offensive cloud of NOISE.

Jagged sucks. A pitiful pulling of perfectly good air into empty lungs made Adam’s body wobble. He puffed up his prone body, held the shape for just a moment and then released a cacophony of disturbance that made Eve shriek in fright.

The NOISE had come from her One and Only! She bolted up from his side and stared at him incredulously.

Adam’s firm, perfect jaw lay slackly open. A tiny rivulet of drool trickled from his mouth; Eve could see his pink tongue as it wiggled in the breeze his breath created. His nostrils flared as if preparing for flight and collapsed as he made his NOISE.

Eve watched and listened. After a while, her eyes slitted in understanding. She knew this was part of her punishment. And God only knew how she would be able to endure it.

It took a sleepless night or two for Eve to decide on a name for the disgusting vibrations that oozed from Adam’s face. It was an ugly word—befitting the action and the sound.

Her lot in life — painful childbirth, cooking, finding fresh fig leaves for modest coverings — was going to include the added burden of listening nightly to SNORING from her only option for a mate.

She jabbed Adam in the side with her bony elbow and filled her brain with the first malicious thoughts ever imagined. Adam rolled over, quieted… and all was calm.

Then, Eve yawned deeply and prayed for quiet. She didn’t feel the tiny claws of invading vibration that skittered inside her own less-than-perfect open throat, waiting for its chance to escape into the night.

Robin Garrison Leach is a freelance writer and columnist from Quincy, Illinois."Robin Writes" is published in numerous Missouri and Illinois newspapers. Contact her at  robingarrisonleach@gmail.com.

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